magical mystery tour- mittapheap international market & sakura electic hair & beauty

7 11 2011

i’ve had it in my head for a long time, that i would start to run regular “store spotlight” posts of what i deem to be underappreciated businesses in the greater portland area. a little over a year ago, i wrote a little article about one of my favorite exchange street boutiques, toko indo. and then… NOTHING. oops. this certainly wouldn’t be the first incidence of me dropping the ball, but i think it’s due time i made an effort to pick this one back up. for my re-inaugural post, i’ll be taking you to a mystical little international market nestled at the bottom of munjoy hill.

because she’s kind of amazing, and because for some reason she makes a lot of southeast asian food, i invited my friend pam (aka @timorousme, she’s kind of twitter famous) to give me the grand tour. you can find the full photo documentary over here at my flickr, but here are some highlights: Read the rest of this entry »





the september issue.

9 09 2011

if you’ve ever been a reader of fashion magazines, you know that the september issue is notoriously huge (usually about 2 inches thick). one would think that its increased bulk is due solely to the coverage of the fall collections, but one would be wrong. sure, maybe fashion week coverage adds a few pages here and there, but far more than half of the 758 pages in this year’s september issue are ads, ads, and oh- isn’t that some more ads over there?

now, these ads are usually for all sorts of high and brands- your standards chanels, and guccis and marc jacobs types… nothing remarkable (actually, they all tend to look exactly the same to me, you would think they would try harder). however, this year, i noticed and interesting trend. in addition to the standard fancy pantsness, there was a disproportionately large amount of ads for more pedestrian (discount even!) chains trying to keep up with the couture.

lots and lots of celebrity designed lines (karadashians for sears? oh lord!), but also just a general attempt to show that dowdy department stores are at least trying a little bit more than usual to keep up in the contemporary fashion marketplace. edgy ad campaigns! more modern shapes!

well, i ripped all the ads out, and decided that i would do a shopping tour of this supposedly affordable high end design. i am most excited for lagerfeld for macys, and french connection for sears, but my initial inspiration came from the very charming (most especially amongst the satin draped airbrushed bone racks that the rest of the ads were schilling) “money can’t buy style” campaign by kmart.

well, it just so happened that was going to augusta this week, where resides one of the last remaining kmarts in maine. also, it is my hometown. Read the rest of this entry »





top 10 reasons why i suck at gardening.

8 08 2011

when i first started my garden about a month ago, i was on top of the world. things were growing! i was making life! i would eat salad like a boss all summer long!

almost like sex fantasies, i would imagine myself harvesting shining and plump red tomatoes and pornographically large cucumbers (ron jeremy grade produce). it would be glorious, and things were going so well!

and then, shit started to go wrong:

1. neighborhood cats started digging in my seed areas, killing whole squares of crops (i lost 3 squares of lettuce and one square of carrots).

2. my tomatoes won’t pollinate. the flowers just turn brown and die, and the bees never come. i only have the 4 tomatoes that were already pollinated when i got the plant.

3. my peppers are dying. the little pepper buds are just shriveling and falling off.

4. my cucumber is taking over everything. i find it’s spindly tendrils wrapped around every other plant in the bed- strangling them all slowly. although to its credit, it’s the only thing that’s actually producing any sort of vegetation.

5. my green beans have nothing to climb up, and they are OUT OF CONTROL.

6. my pumpkin just doesn’t look right. it has leaves rotting off and flowers dropping like crazy.

7. my butter lettuce keeps getting ass pounded by the rain and is looking very very sad.

8. i tried last weekend to install some barrier plants to try to keep the cats out (brussels sprouts, cauliflower, & iceberg lettuce), but i don’t think the brussels sprouts are supposed to be yellow.

9. maybe planting 5 heads of iceberg lettuce in one square was a mistake?

10. the basil seems fine, but i don’t eat that much basil.

basically my gardening euphoria has quickly descended into gardening shame and disappointment. maybe i should read a book or something, but i don’t even know where to start. i just feel very overwhelmed and very at sea. i could ask the lovely soul who helped me plant it in the first place, but i don’t want her to be disappointed in me! basically, i am castrated by my lack of knowledge and fear of failure.

i thought that gardening was supposed to be relaxing!  somebody please, FIX IT.

*no, that dead garden picture isn’t mine, but you can check out the “progress” of my garden on my flickr page. i haven’t taken any pictures of the really tragic stuff, but you can picture them in your mind’s eye (don’t forget to make ’em extra shriveled).





i try it- vegetable growing bonanza!

14 07 2011

i’m not exactly the earth mother.  i like plastic, and pop culture, and mini skirts. i watch A LOT of tv. it’s not that i hate the outdoors, or that i shun the environment… hey, i have reusable bags somewhere in my apartment. but you’re probably not going to catch me dabbing patchouli all over my braless ass while i listen to jam bands. you’re certainly not going to hear me talk about feeling “close to the earth”.

again, it’s not that i’m anti gardening… it’s just that i’ve killed a good 80% of the plants i’ve ever owned (let’s face it, i’m on my 3rd set of ikea cactuses).  but for some reason (with full knowledge of my spotty history with plants), when the deadbeat dude who is in foreclosure in my condo association abandoned his raised bed in the backyard… I WAS ALL OVER IT. at least that’s what i told the condo association president.

while i was waiting for planting season, i had lengthy and involved fantasies about what gardening would be like. i started asking agriculturally inclined friends for tips about what to do.

“you’re gonna need some compost. like a lot of compost.”

“you should hit the deering oaks farmer’s market for seedlings.”

“don’t bother with carrots, they never work out.”

“10-10-10!”

i took all of this sage knowledge into my brain, and waited for it to germinate.

nothing.

may arrived, and it was time to weed the box (which hadn’t been touched in 2 years)! except that if you remember may at all, it RAINED CONSTANTLY… the seeds of gardening excitement that i had planted in my brain were slowly being drowned by inopportune weather and the slow creep of laziness and apathy.

come the end of june, i still hadn’t done jack, and the excitement i once felt for the project had dissipated considerably. and by considerably, i mean entirely. it seemed too late. maybe i would do it next year… sorry condo association president. Read the rest of this entry »





weekend pickthrough- go the *uck outside edition.

20 06 2011

it’s summertime y’all! and as such, we will likely be keeping summer hours around these blog parts.  it is ludicrously beautiful outside, and i plan on spending as much time as humanly possible outdoors. other states are nice and all, but i like to think that maine puts them all to shame. here i am in the biggest city we got (ok, admittedly not that big, but still…), and there’s all this motherfucking unspoiled nature just minutes (at times seconds) away.

i’m especially feeling the love today after my friend pook turned me on to the glory that is portland trails. 30 trails all over the greater portland area, all equally surprising and awesome. oh, and all free.

for example, today we hit an incredible seaside bird sanctuary, AND a freakin waterfall. i have lived in this area since 1996, and had no idea there was a FREAKIN WATERFALL 5 minutes off the peninsula.

anyway, being outside is pretty famtastic, and fits happily within my summer fun budget of $0. i’m thinking long hikes, picnic lunches, brown paper bag beers, and falling asleep on the grass/rocks/beach while reading summer trash with puffy gold letters on the cover.

what’s in your budget for summer fun? (you can start by reading these links) Read the rest of this entry »





unflattering garments for science.

16 02 2011


i have a new post up at the goodwill of northern new england blog today! in this issue, i try out an exceptionally questionable (and puffy) skirt that only looks cute from one angle (and not really even that cute- more like passable). what i learned from my experience is that the mirror LIES. i really thought it wasn’t that bad… but the photos were crushing. no wonder cher horowitz always relied on polaroids. i posted the only semi-cute (save for the bad angle potato-head factor) photo on the goodwill blog, but you can see the grisly mess that is the rest of the shots over at my flickr. i especially like the ones where i look both pregnant, and like my legs are on backwards.





behold the spirits of douche-o-ween!

21 10 2010

it’s a tragic but unavoidable fact that women all over the country think that turning themselves into the whore version of anything is the best course of action for halloween costumes. i actually took a little poll yesterday on twitter to find out what obscenely stupid things people have seen tarted up for this upcoming holiday season. the results will not surprise you AT ALL.

slutty gumby
slutty big bird ( i expected more from you target!)
slutty spongebob (i mean sponge BABE)
“just out of the shower” towel & flip flops (slutty AND lazy)
slutty ninja turtle
slutty smurf
slutty nun
and of course the big winner of the slutoween ludicrous costume contest- for it’s high levels of both whoreishness AND general offensiveness… SLUTTY ANOREXIC!

yeah, slutoween is tapped out. even babies have slutoween costumes now. hell, there’s even a flickr group…  basically, i’m tired of making fun of skanks (i can’t believe i just uttered those words). this year, i’m going after the gentlemen. sure, they have every right to make fun of the women’s parade of obviousness and low self esteem… and we have every right to make fun of the fact that an equivalent majority of men use halloween as an excuse to expose their inner jackass (among other things that they shouldn’t be exposing).  this costume-round up over at woot pretty much says it all and then some… but seriously everybody- are we really that pathetic as a species that we need to lower ourselves so far down, even one day a year? why can’t halloween be an excuse to be clever and hilarious instead?

so here is my challenge to you american public:

it doesn’t have to be brilliant, expensive (there’s even a hot hot $5/$25 coupon for goodwill of northern new england to ease your costume purchasing financial burden- thanks for the tip coupon goddess!) , or labor intensive… just be something smarter than the lowest common denominator. leave your push up bra and you dick jokes at home on halloween for a change, and find yourself a costume that has some dignity.  i promise that there are virtually thousands of ideas out there that do not involve you looking like a hooker or a sex offender. in fact, here are some of my favorite full genital coverage costume ideas for this season:

1. those awesome dudes from katamari.

2. can you say HUMAN SIZE LEGO GUYS?

3. screw you cardboard box robot, i’m gonna  be boxed wine this year!

4. yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip uh huh.

5. i don’t normally dig the military thing, but this is a soldier costume that i can whole heartedly support. (just don’t sit on my furniture while you’re wearing it).

me and two of my best lady friends are going as the murderous vixens from clue. i’m mrs. peacock (watch out for the wrath of my lead pipe!). what are you gonna be for halloween this year?

*UPDATE*

looks like someone else has already challenged the ladies of america to cover the hell up. take back halloween is an awesome costume guide for the uninspired woman seeking full nipple coverage. also, i’d really like to see some costume pictures of y’all getting your trick or treat on.