the road to hell.

29 06 2010

is paved with crumpled shopping bags. i was doing really well on my $30 a week plan for needless weekend spending… and then this weekend descended in a haze of clearance racks and impulse buying. does anyone else ever feel like they’re possessed by the devil? come july, i’ll be making some drastic reductions in my spending (to disastrous results i’m sure), but in the meantime… let’s revel in this last summer binge with gusto.

1. target, my second home. i once vowed that i would stop sleeping in sweatpants and old t-shirts and start sleeping in sexy lingerie. i’m not doing a very good job, but two new pieces of pretty from the liberty of london collection @ $4.48 each significantly increase the odds. if someone would come over to my house and finally torch my heinous disintegrating sweatpants, then we’d really be in business.

2. we decided to go to windham for a change, and that goodwill never disappoints. found another addition to my three investigators collection (jupiter jones is gonna solve that mystery SO HARD), and some crazy plastic apple container. i don’t know why, but i’m a sucker for shit that’s shaped like fruit.

3. marden’s sweet marden’s. there’s a brand new gigantic fucking mardens that just opened up in the old walmart building in south portland. i’ll be posting a deep and dirty expose about my experience later this week, but until then… BEHOLD! hobo spanx no more (that’s control top panty hose with the legs cut off for those who aren’t yet aware of my secret shame)! $11.49 for a maidenform control shorts. sure, it feels like my organs are being crushed, but i look SO SKINNY.

4. i ditched the boyfriend in the car for a nap while i took off to the marshall’s for a while. he’s such an old man. amazing asymmetrical t-shirt for $8, and the most beautiful summer dress ever for $19.99. i’m too fat for spandex, but there was a boatload of really nice looking marc by marc jacobs swimwear if you’re in the market for that sort of thing.

5. last time i was at the gap, it was all prairie skirts and straw cowboy hats, which is probably somewhere between windpants and juicy sweatsuits on the scale of shit that i shouldn’t be wearing. mysteriously this weekend, everything was awesome and on sale. oh, and everything that was on sale was an additional 40% off. got a cute skirt and 2 pairs of mysteriously great fitting pairs of 1969 (regularly $79 a pair) for $51.

6. shaw’s was the final stop for grocery shopping, and probably the biggest retail coup of the day. WACKY MAC MOTHERFUCKER! there was and endcap fucking full of it randomly over by the raw chicken. i bought just a couple because i could, even though i didn’t have the coupon that made them free.  but the biggest score was easily the fiber one deal. on sale for buy one get one (@ $4.29 each), i had a stash of $.75/1 coupons that would double, making it $1.29 for 2 boxes $.65 a box. i got 8 boxes for $5.16 total. i even had a $5/$50 coupon which would bring the whole goddamn mess down to almost nothing. it would have been exceptionally impressive if the boyfriend could have been an adult about it, instead of just giggling like a maniac, and telling me how much i’m gonna poop.

$102.58– scandalous! anyway, appreciate it now before i cut myself off from the crazy shopping forever (or until august, whichever comes first). but if the demon possession should happen to be too strong for me… tell my family that i love them, and make sure you wrestle my dead ass into those spanx. i don’t want to be a bloated corpse.





weekend pickthrough- extra litigious edition.

4 06 2010

i’ve already expressed my displeasure with the 3 day weekend. well, just to even things out a little, i would like to discuss my equal disdain for the 4 day week. 4 day weeks are a waste. schedules are thrown off, and nobody even really knows what day it is… but all are hyper aware of the unfairness that they are no longer on vacation. spaced out, phoning it in, like everyone in my life (including me) was stricken with a 4-day case of ADD.  needless to say, it was certainly not my most productive week ever.  the icing on this crazy short-week mental derailment cake is that someone actually threatened to sue me. of course it was a baseless accusation (and a whole lot of posturing), but disruptive and distracting (ok, and mildly amusing). but it pretty much took down what was left of this week with a stun gun and rendered it completely immobile. here are the few things i managed to filter out of this otherwise limp and unmanageable 4 days:

portland trash bags are getting more expensive (as if $7.50 for 10 trash bags wasn’t pricey enough!), load up now before they go up to $10.

pinkies out! the subtle etiquette of dumpster diving.

check your shaw’s flier! this week’s dollar doublers make this a kick ass week for crazy coupon ladies.

i might use “too many commas”, but at least i don’t use “unnecessary quotation marks“.

apparently, chunkys don’t hold up very well under extreme heat. the oven test determines the sturdiest beach candy.

bitch is lucky she didn’t get shanked.  don’t you EVEN get between a girl and her coupons.

yeah, i heart wood too. (in both the dirty and not dirty way)

i wonder what will happen to the bayside apartments if they blow out as student housing? love hotel? haunted house?

there’s a great deal on fiber one stuff at target this week. too bad it’ll make you wicked farty.

**UPDATE** according to the wonderous @jjdactyl over at gluten-free win, resistance is futile with the portland trash bag rate increase. apparently when the new bags come out, they’re just going to stop taking the old bags, and you’re just screwed. so ignore what i just said, and definitely don’t stock up! she recommends that we get a second recycling bin (ooh what about composting?!) to defray costs (both environmental and financial).