the hot pockets diet.

22 03 2010

i talk a lot about the post-divorce chunk that i gained last year. roughly 30 lbs. of chunk. 2 pants sizes of chunk. realization that i’ve become the “fat friend” chunk. devastating. i’ve tried and failed all manner of diets and strategies and regimens. hell, i even started a blog about it. and i failed that shit too.

well, march at shaw’s is frozen foods month. buy any 10 participating products, get a $10 catalina back toward a future purchase.  as i was perusing the smart ones selection, i remembered that the last time i was this big, and coincidentally the last time i really managed to lose any weight (post-college gravity bong and cap’n crunch chunk), it was on weight watchers. to0 bad that the smart ones were $2.50 each and with very very limited vegetarian options and dismal coupons ($1/10!). but it doesn’t really matter if the food comes in a little red box or not. as i recall, the point was to limit calorie intake by paying attention. they called them points instead of calories, but the conversion was really just an extra step.

i hate doing this. weighing and measuring food. keeping a journal. being hungry. i think where i failed before was by trying to find a scheme that would work around this basic principal.  no dairy. no sugar. no wheat. all of which i might add are ridiculously impossible to hold up for more than a few days. regardless of my past failure ratio, i kept trying to avoid the inevitable torture that would be weight loss by calorie counting.

saturday morning i woke up at 164 lbs, my heaviest ever. and as i scoped out the smart ones in the freezer case, i realized that it was time. as much as it is my dream to eat organic and unprocessed foods, i have a bigger dream to not be a fatty tatties. i enjoy eating processed crap, and if it can help me lose weight like it did before, maybe it was time to give it another go round. hot pockets were on sale for $1.99 each, and i had a bunch of $.75/2 catalinas. at 240 each, and totally delicious, i decided that they would be the perfect cornerstone of my rekindled relationship with calorie counting. sadly, there’s only one flavor that’s vegetarian (broccoli cheddar), but my mind was made up.

and that concludes the story of why i have 7 identical boxes of hot pockets in my freezer (never you mind the ice cream in the foreground). will they make me skinny? possibly not. but i signed up for a 5k in 2 months, and i better by trying something. anything.