i know i promised that i was done talking about gross medical stuff for a while, but what i really meant is that i was done talking about gross fibroid related medical stuff for a while. and i totally am. actually, things in that area appear to be going pretty well.
but as appears to be the law when it comes to my health, it’s time for something else to go wrong. nothing big, just a really amazing UTI. but enough to send me to the emergency again. i really need to get a big jar to save all of my hospital bracelets in. i’m getting quite the impressive collection.
but, i wouldn’t be bothering you with the exciting details off my busted urinary tract if i hadn’t learned a valuable lesson or two in the process of peeing in that cup (pictured at left).
1. there are no home remedies that will cure a UTI. don’t waste your time. the time i spent attempting to override my swiftly deteriorating bladder with cranberry flushes, baking soda, and other google generated nonsense only added unnecessary time between me and the doctor’s office. basically, trying to fix it myself gave me just the right amount of time to escalate from “slight discomfort” to “PISSING RAZOR BLADES”. seriously, go to the damn doctor.
2. as stated in point #1, a home remedy won’t do dick. but, a little product called AZO will. it won’t cure it, but it will make life a lot less horrible while you’re waiting for your antibiotics kick in. however, be forewarned- IT WILL TURN YOUR PEE ELECTRIC ORANGE. wear black underwear, that is all.
3. because these things tend to escalate fairly quickly, you should be getting yourself to the doctor about now. now, if your doctor’s office is anything like mine, when you call them up at 5 pm to politely request an appointment for the following day, a cranky receptionist will inform you that you need to call back in the morning and hope that there is an appointment available in one of their emergency slots.
now, if your urinary tract in anything like mine, you know that the “pissing razor blades” stage will become the “pissing bigger razor blades and also blood” stage very shortly. good times. but despite this being very much a personal emergency, it’s not exactly the heart attack/gunshot wound/meningitis type emergency that belongs in the real emergency room.
what i learned this week is that there is a tiny secondary emergency room on brighton ave. called “brighton first care“. unlike the big scary ER, this is where you go when you have more of the panic attack/cutlery wound/bronchitis kind of emergency. this is where you go when it hurts when you pee and can’t wait until 8:15 tomorrow to call for an appointment that may or may not exist.
and when you get there, the intake lady will only make you fill out one form. and everyone at the nurses sation will laugh at the stupid joke you make when you hand over the biohazard baggie containing your sample of fluorescent orange pee. and another nurse will bring you a styrofoam cup filled of water with a bendy straw so that you can keep hydrated while you wait for your lab results.
it was like fucking emergency room heaven (if such a thing exists).
despite me coming in 20 minutes before closing time, and accidentally peeing all over the outside of the collection cup, everyone was nice and accommodating, and i was outta there with my prescription in less than an hour.
seriously. next time you get a spider bite or smash your fingers in a car door, you gotta go there. i hope not to be there again anytime soon. but with me, it’s probably only a matter of time. so… see you there?