getting to the mailbox.

16 11 2010

i pay my therapist to give me advice. that’s the way it works, right?  but today we talked about something we had never talked about before- MONEY. which is a little bit surprising that it took us this long to get to it… but what wasn’t surprising is that just like everyone else in my life, he gave me unsolicited financial advice. which is not what i pay him for.  and it made me really agitated for a minute.  i got a little sassy. there may have been some eye rolling…

but then, back to the part that i do pay him for, he made me talk about it.

step 1 of the 12 step process is admitting you have a problem, and i’m really good at that. probably too good. at the crazy doctor this week, i realized that I AM STALLING. i’ll admit my wrongdoings up and down and all over town, but i use my transparency as a shield to draw attention away from the fact that i’m not actually doing anything (other than making my slightly more than minimum payments), and i’m not sure why.

i have netflix movies from april sitting on my credenza. 4 of them actually, and i can’t seem to get them to the mailbox. theoretically, i should just put them in my purse and drop them in the mail slot at work, but it just hasn’t happened. it’s the simplest thing, and somehow i can’t manage to pull the trigger. it’s the same thing with money. yes, cutting back and saving money to throw on the blazing inferno that is my debt is difficult. changing lifestyles and making sacrifices totally sucks dick. but you know what’s not difficult? opening an HSA, or transferring my high interest credit cards to lower rate cards, or taking out a home equity loan and using it to pay off my debt.

every time i get agitated and defensive about money, it’s when someone who loves me has given me a sound piece of advice that i am just unwilling to follow. i try to turn it around to make it like they’re the jerk for meddling in my affairs, but i’m the jerk for being stuck, for being unwilling to listen and try. maybe i will make some big changes in the new year, or when i’m not so busy, or when i get my tax return money… but i probably won’t.

the good dr. and i didn’t get far enough to figure out why the hell i’m shooting myself in the foot like this, or how to stop being so stubborn and pointless, but it felt like a significant breakthrough anyway.

tomorrow, i’m gonna mail back my netflix, and maybe call my insurance company about setting up an HSA. at some point i need to realize that if i’m really serious about getting rid of my debt, i have to do EVERYTHING i can. not just the things that are easy.

please tell me that i’m not the only person who gets stuck on stupid shit.

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13 responses

17 11 2010
Evelyn

No, you’re not the only one and you’re what you’re doing is exactly right – talk it to death until you figure it out. And while you’re talking, “just do it”. Force yourself.

18 11 2010
bessmarvin

i wonder if i would be less stressed out about money if i just stopped paying the $300 a month to go to dr. shrinkage?

17 11 2010
Elizabeth

Don’t worry – I’m in the exact same spot. In fact, I also have a Netflix movie from at LEAST April sitting on my DVD player. Maybe I too will take it to the mailbox tomorrow :).

19 11 2010
bessmarvin

i actually brought them to work! and now 3 brand new movies are en route to me as we speak. 3 movies that i actually want to watch! it’s a good feeling. now i just need to open that HSA… tomorrow?

17 11 2010
audrey

Sister, I hear you. I, too, have been victim of the stalling Netflixes. In fact, I just axed them out of my life altogether after realizing stopping my car at post office boxes and putting CDs in sealable envelopes just wasn’t part of things I am able to plan.

But, moreover, the same procrastination for paying bills, getting on track, etc. — Not to get all psychiatrist on myself — but I think it’s because my loving Momma did EVERYTHING for me when I was growing up. I didn’t know how to do laundry until I was forced to learn three weeks after I landed at the dorm. So it’s been a decade-long relearning so far.

I have a silly fantasy where a bunch of fucked up girls like me get together and lay all their numbers and goals out on the table – kinda like a support group. We could drink whiskey and share this week’s latest financial tragedy (“I overdrew my account AGAIN!”) as we trudge through the mistakes we made in our early 20s.

…and then maybe I procrastinate because it’s so damn fun to be angry at myself? Anyways, great entry, I hear you.

19 11 2010
bessmarvin

you want to start a money support group? i am so in! my mother didn’t do everything for me, but she did completely neglect to teach me anything about money. student loans, APRs, saving? say what? i didn’t realize that i was punishing myself by keeping myself in debt. i guess dr. shrinkage and i still have a lot more to talk about 🙂

17 11 2010
InfamousQBert

we definitely have similar issues. especially with netflix. 😉

actually, just this past weekend, i went to see Bill & Giuliana Rancic speak at an event that was hosted by my credit union. the CU rep was doing a lot of “come join the CU!” selling, which didn’t interest me since i’ve had an account since i was born, but i did learn that they have financial advisors you can speak to for FREE. so i called yesterday and we’re going to speak to one on friday. honestly, our combined income should mean that we’re rolling in the dough, but we’re not. i know we just paid for a wedding, which took a huge chunk, but we should have had a bigger chunk to take from in the first place. it will be good to sit down with a neutral 3rd party and say “where is it all going and how can we stop the bleeding?”. we REALLY want to buy a house, but currently can’t see how that would be possible.

19 11 2010
bessmarvin

i wonder if my credit union has financial advisors? it would make a lot of sense for me to sit down with someone objective and review my situation- make a plan. i don’t make a ton of money, but i should not be struggling as much as i do. the boyfriend makes significantly less than i do,and still somehow managed to save almost $4,000 last year! WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

19 11 2010
Elisa

So glad you live in my brain. 🙂

I’m a pro at admitting my problem, being the flawed martyr. People side with me, champion for my cause and success. Then I fall short on the follow through and quietly try to escape with as limited collateral damage as possible.

Long story short(er) – I’m so there.

27 11 2010
bessmarvin

we need to start a support group or something. we are too smart and too sneaky for our own good.

19 11 2010
Writing On The Webb | Ophelias Webb

[…] They say admitting you have a problem is the hardest step, but what if you get so good at admitting it that you never get to the other 11 steps?  Broke207 ponders that exact situation in Getting To The Mailbox. […]

4 12 2010
Raychell

HSA? shit open a Geary’s HSA instead… it will make you feel better! 😉

I will never pay a dime on my debt… It’s only about $3,000 or so (I actually spent a lot less) left over from the stupid credit card phase of my life (over seven years ago)… but I plan on sitting on it until it goes away (or I go away)… what is that like 8 years or something? (Not that it matters)

The problem is going to be when I need to start paying back my school bills… I might pay on those… depending on how I feel.

I don’t feel bad at all for not paying back corporate giants their pennies… in fact I kinda like that I basically stole from them.

I probably still owe BMG from when I was 16.

I will however pay back local companies (my doctor’s office and CMP) one of these days.

5 12 2010
bessmarvin

you’re a sparkplug! i have a pretty much sterling credit score that i’m unwilling to mar, so debt payoff it is! although you have significantly less than i do. i’ll be chipping away at this shit until i’m at the old folk’s home. there are many days however when i do wish i could just pretend that it doesn’t exist. like today! i could totally use a geary’s right now 😀

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