behold the spirits of douche-o-ween!

21 10 2010

it’s a tragic but unavoidable fact that women all over the country think that turning themselves into the whore version of anything is the best course of action for halloween costumes. i actually took a little poll yesterday on twitter to find out what obscenely stupid things people have seen tarted up for this upcoming holiday season. the results will not surprise you AT ALL.

slutty gumby
slutty big bird ( i expected more from you target!)
slutty spongebob (i mean sponge BABE)
“just out of the shower” towel & flip flops (slutty AND lazy)
slutty ninja turtle
slutty smurf
slutty nun
and of course the big winner of the slutoween ludicrous costume contest- for it’s high levels of both whoreishness AND general offensiveness… SLUTTY ANOREXIC!

yeah, slutoween is tapped out. even babies have slutoween costumes now. hell, there’s even a flickr group…  basically, i’m tired of making fun of skanks (i can’t believe i just uttered those words). this year, i’m going after the gentlemen. sure, they have every right to make fun of the women’s parade of obviousness and low self esteem… and we have every right to make fun of the fact that an equivalent majority of men use halloween as an excuse to expose their inner jackass (among other things that they shouldn’t be exposing).  this costume-round up over at woot pretty much says it all and then some… but seriously everybody- are we really that pathetic as a species that we need to lower ourselves so far down, even one day a year? why can’t halloween be an excuse to be clever and hilarious instead?

so here is my challenge to you american public:

it doesn’t have to be brilliant, expensive (there’s even a hot hot $5/$25 coupon for goodwill of northern new england to ease your costume purchasing financial burden- thanks for the tip coupon goddess!) , or labor intensive… just be something smarter than the lowest common denominator. leave your push up bra and you dick jokes at home on halloween for a change, and find yourself a costume that has some dignity.  i promise that there are virtually thousands of ideas out there that do not involve you looking like a hooker or a sex offender. in fact, here are some of my favorite full genital coverage costume ideas for this season:

1. those awesome dudes from katamari.

2. can you say HUMAN SIZE LEGO GUYS?

3. screw you cardboard box robot, i’m gonna  be boxed wine this year!

4. yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip uh huh.

5. i don’t normally dig the military thing, but this is a soldier costume that i can whole heartedly support. (just don’t sit on my furniture while you’re wearing it).

me and two of my best lady friends are going as the murderous vixens from clue. i’m mrs. peacock (watch out for the wrath of my lead pipe!). what are you gonna be for halloween this year?

*UPDATE*

looks like someone else has already challenged the ladies of america to cover the hell up. take back halloween is an awesome costume guide for the uninspired woman seeking full nipple coverage. also, i’d really like to see some costume pictures of y’all getting your trick or treat on.

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19 responses

21 10 2010
shelly

I’m being ultra thrifty this year and using a pair of yoga pants, a running jacket, and a ski mask (the only thing I purchased specifically for the costume) to be a ninja this year. Not the most creative, but fairly cool if I do say so myself. 🙂

21 10 2010
bessmarvin

ninjas are awesome, AND thrifty ninjas are even awesomer.

22 10 2010
Tina

I did actually spend some bucks on my costume… but I’m going to be Burton’s Alice in Wonderland… and not a slutty version either! The dress actually goes all the way down to my ankles! I scoffed at all the slutty versions of Alice. Unacceptable! It’s also cold in Maine on Halloween; slutty costumes are impractical for New England weather!

28 10 2010
bessmarvin

i didn’t love that movie, but the costumes were really incredible. you’ll be posting pictures yes? i love a fairy tale costume, because you can be pretty and clever without being a whore. and you’re so right- skankoween is totally counter to the maine weather in october!

22 10 2010
22 10 2010
InfamousQBert

oh, also, Daria, via etsy. this one really should be pretty easy. and if you can find a cool, gothy best friend to tag along, all the better.
http://www.etsy.com/storque/spotlight/last-minute-halloween-daria-10984/?ref=fp_blog_title

23 10 2010
bessmarvin

i wish i lived in texas so that i could be your jane! kick ass idea.

22 10 2010
Caroline

A few years ago I went as a pig in a blanket. I bought cheap pink pj set at Target and a pig nose at a costume shop, then I made ears and a nose and wrapped a throw blanket around my shoulders. Easy, non-slutty, and super comfortable.

23 10 2010
bessmarvin

cute and clever! and definitely not slutty. a friend of mine went as porky pig a few years ago… surprisingly slutty, as he wears no pants.

22 10 2010
Becky

I’m going to attempt to dress up like Peg Bundy. This will be challenging because I’m running a marathon in the morning and yeah, I’ll probably be dead to the world the entire day. To help motivate me, I actually cut bangs in my already red hair 2 days ago (Naturally red hair = $$ savings since I don’t have to buy a wig). That’s some f#$%ing dedication there if I do say so myself.

I bought a pair of leggings at Target yesterday for $6. I’m thinking of hitting up my Goodwill for an animal print shirt, big belt, shoes and some bling.

I probably won’t look all slutty, but I’m sure to look pretty white trashy. I look white trashy most days anyways, so it won’t be that big of a change.

23 10 2010
bessmarvin

trashy is toally ok, and peg bundy is an awesome idea for a ginger girl! but forget the costume, YOU’RE RUNNING A FUCKING MARATHON! that is so awesome. my dad was a marathon runner, so i know how much it wrecks you. if you actually make it to your halloween party, you are officially my hero. good luck! (pictures please!)

23 10 2010
Bingo Beads Julie

I wanted to be a member of the Royal Guard so I could wear a big fluffy hat, but since I’m about to leave town for a month (to your neck of the woods – whut up Portland!), I banned myself from spending money on a costume this year. (I fail at the ‘throw something free or cheap together thing’.. somehow I always manage to spend $50 anyway.)

I will probably resurrect my ‘Michelle Pfeiffer/Stephanie Zinone/Miss December in the Calendar Girls talent show skit from Grease 2’ costume I made two years ago. It came out pretty awesome IMO – I even had a star headpiece that lit up! I don’t mind a repeat, but the headpiece died, so I guess I’ll have to make a less awesome one in the sake of thriftiness.

28 10 2010
bessmarvin

wait, you’re coming to portland?! what for? too bad you’re just in time for the cold weather, but if you need any restaurant recommendations or anyone to show you around town… just say the word!!!

agreed that a royal guard hat would be awesome in theory… but just imagine how inconvenient it would be if you went to a party where somebody had a dropped ceiling… also, I FUCKING LOVE the calendar girls skit from grease 2. you can not lose with that costume in my eyes.

30 10 2010
Bingo Beads Julie

Yeah, girl!! Just something I’ve wanted to do for years (and how I found your blog.. researching Portland stuff) and am finally coming up on a sort of ‘scouting expedition’ to see if I dig the vibe. I’ll be there 11/6-11/30. I have a short list already, but I’d love some restaurant reccos! Mainly cheap-ish yummy places, but also at least one cozy romantic-type place. Oh, and the best lobster roll, of course. I’m staying close to the Old Port. We should totally grab some coffee or something!

Hmm.. I hadn’t thought about the combo of fuzzy hats and drop ceilings. And considering I hang out in dive bars with drop ceilings more often than not, I would probably go home looking like a used Swiffer Duster. Loving your costume plan!!! I hope you post pix!

4 11 2010
bessmarvin

we can discuss our love for grease 2 over coffee when you come up! my restaurant recommendations are as follows:
cheap and easy:
otto– AMAZING pizza more than worth the $3/slice price tag.
silly’s– kind of wacky weirdo hippy food. really good falafel, fried jalapeno rings (rings of fire!), and something called PRINCESS CAKE.
green elephant– asian vegetarian food so delicious you won’t miss the meat at all. (crispy soy nuggets! tempura asparagus salad!)
aurora provisions– COWBOY COOKIES COWBOY COOKIES COWBOY COOKIES. incredible bakery. their fresh mozzarella sandwich is also excellent.

romantic and upscalier:
bar lola– $35-$40 five course prix fixe menu. WORTH EVERY PENNY.
sonny’s– creative latin food. yam fries! and fresh grapefruit greyhound that rocks my world.
the corner room– incredible authentic but modern italian food. best olives i’ve ever had. the papparadelle and mushroom pasta is a revelation.

portland is an amazing town for people who love to eat. i will also recommend the art museum, kill the karaoke (karaoke with a live band) , and going for a movie at the nickelodeon.

it’s a wonderful place, i promise!

29 10 2010
Winnie P.

I really liked that movie. All my friends thought I was lame for liking Grease 2 more than Grease. “Cool Rider” rocks…I can probably still sing every word!

30 10 2010
Bingo Beads Julie

I totally take heat for liking Grease 2 more than the original, too, but you know we are soooo right on that one!! I mean, the Rockin’ Hula Luau alone makes it a superior film!

29 10 2010
Winnie P.

I have got to send you pictures of the year I was a nun and my husband was Jesus. Someone caught us making out in the kitchen and took a picture. So, yes, you can even be slutty in a full-length nun outfit! He was a great Jesus. He was growing his hair at that time to donate…so he decided he would not shave for all of October and grow a real beard for the costume, too.

17 10 2011
weekend pickthrough- bottom of the sea edition. « broke 207

[…] have a full lineup of posting schedule for this week (including my annual bad halloween costume roundup), but for the transition back into normalcy, let’s just start with a few easy […]

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