accepting exceptions.

28 07 2010

was i supposed to be on some sort of cash diet or something? it was sort of like i blacked out and woke up in a ditch and all my money was gone, except for the part where that didn’t happen. bring on the carelessness! my attempts to majorly rein in my spending this month somehow completely derailed this week as i proceeded to make exception after exception after exception…

exception #1: sister and her husband came to visit from albany. delicious barbecue dinner (split with the boyfriend) -$50

exception #2: sister’s visit ran concurrently with my niece’s 2nd birthday. dora the explorer microphone -$15

exception #3: accidental impulse purchase of coveted belt at target while buying dora microphone- $16

exception #4: purchased gas for friend who keeps hauling my ass home from dance class- $20

exception #5: bought a compilation of oldies on itunes to sing in the car with my little sister (she’s a living oldies encyclopedia)- $27

total damage: $128 (on top of the allotted $50 i spent on tomfoolery earlier in the week).

looking back on them all, only the belt (which i do love and have been stalking for many months) counts in my mind as a true foible. gas, gifts, and time spent with loved ones (especially loved ones who live 5 hours and 11 minutes away and never visit) hardly qualify as mistakes, so why do i feel so guilty about it? it’s roughly the same feeling that i get whenever i cheat on a diet:

i am only very slightly overweight. but, i remember what it feels like to weigh 25 lbs. less, and i miss those days with great desperation and self criticism that indicates that i will never be happy in my current skin. i even know how to lose weight (what i should eat, how much exercise). however, whenever the part about sacrifice and sucking it up rolls around… i fold like the foldiest folding chair that ever folded. out roll the excuses about how i’m going to start tomorrow, had a hard day, or how a few more calories won’t hurt. i am the motherfucking excuse master. somewhere in my stupid head (even though i think i want otherwise),  i know that i’m “not that fat”. i am normal and passable (acceptable even!) to most in a way that makes the urgency less um… urgent.

with money, i have a lot of debt, i have minimal savings (thank you stupid fucking roof), and i have a strong desire for financial freedom… but i also have enough income to pay my bills and go out on the town when i want to . as long as my bills are paid, i don’t HAVE to put any of that money toward my debt or my savings, and i don’t. there will always be an excuse to spend more and save less because i’m selfish and lazy and don’t want to give up any immediate quality of life- even if it means my quality of life will be infinitely better in the long run. i understand, but i don’t “get it”.

what is it about money and food (consumption!) that leave me so completely powerless and in a perpetual state of treading water? and furthermore, is there some sort of suze orman/jillian michaels hybrid (terrifying!) who will come to my house and scream at me to get real? i can see the problem so clearly, but the solution is nowhere to be found. it’s not as simple as “eat less” or “spend less”, that doesn’t work for me. but what will?

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8 responses

28 07 2010
blackgirlinmaine

Are you sure I didn’t write this post? I struggle with the same shit when it comes to money and food. Just last week I dropped almost 2 lbs only to spend the next 7 gorging myself. Same thing when it comes to money, I will be great with money for a while an then bam, one purchase leads to another and so on. Like you I know how to lose weight and spend less, I actually due to my job at times tell others how to manage their money. (crazy)

Personally I like to think maybe I just have not hit my rock bottom, when I was almost 50 lbs overweight 4 years ago that screwed with my mind and I lost the weight. It took 2+ years and I kept it off until recently and even though I have gained the fact that I am not back in double digit sizes is the lie I tell myself to not fixtate too much on my weight.

In some ways I think those of us that grapple with the spendies need more than Suze Orman, we need someone who has been there, a reformed spendaholic who got it intellectually but eventually had to get it in an emotional way.

29 07 2010
bessmarvin

maybe we need to get hypnotized or something? there has to be some sort of plan out there for people like us. i understand the “eat less, exercise more” or “spend less, save more” concepts, but it’s just not working out. hey, at least you’re still in the single digit sizes! i haven’t seen those for at least a year… but being skinny doesn’t seem to have as much appeal as butter. i don’t want to have to gain another 25 lbs before i’m willing to wise up! maybe i need to call dr. phil to tell me to come get real?

28 07 2010
chris

i like the above comment. it’s true about the rock bottom thing. i got up to my highest weight ever last year and finally had to do something when my clothes wouldn’t fit, and i’m way too fucking cheap to go out and buy all new clothes. weight watchers always works for me, i just need to be accountable to someone.

and for some reason, the older i get, the less i go out to eat. maybe it’s because i’m too fat and lazy to get in my car and drive for food.

29 07 2010
bessmarvin

weight watchers worked for me too! but unfortunately there isn’t a meeting in my town (or close enough for me to walk/bus). i tried the “i won’t buy new pants” approach for a long time, but unfortunately bursting out of my jeans like the incredible hulk wasn’t enough of a deterrent to get me to stop filling my cake hole with butter. i seem to have topped out (for now), but i’m just not finding the motivation. you got any over there that i can borrow?

28 07 2010
The Dealer

I’m sad that work has now blocked all my fave sites and I can’t even post anymore (unless my hubby lets me use his phone) but will do my best to follow…

29 07 2010
bessmarvin

bummer! what should really happen is that we should meet for a cocktail, or i should stalk you at green drinks or something.

29 07 2010
InfamousQBert

soooo, what ever happened with the goodwill giveaway contest?

29 07 2010
bessmarvin

i was sort of waiting for someone to notice! i won’t lie, i completely forgot about it for a really long time, and just recently realized that i had never handed prize. then i felt weird about it and wasn’t sure what to do. suggestions? give you the prize for being the first one to ask about it? as it turns out, i suck at giveaways!

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