the hot pockets diet.

22 03 2010

i talk a lot about the post-divorce chunk that i gained last year. roughly 30 lbs. of chunk. 2 pants sizes of chunk. realization that i’ve become the “fat friend” chunk. devastating. i’ve tried and failed all manner of diets and strategies and regimens. hell, i even started a blog about it. and i failed that shit too.

well, march at shaw’s is frozen foods month. buy any 10 participating products, get a $10 catalina back toward a future purchase.  as i was perusing the smart ones selection, i remembered that the last time i was this big, and coincidentally the last time i really managed to lose any weight (post-college gravity bong and cap’n crunch chunk), it was on weight watchers. to0 bad that the smart ones were $2.50 each and with very very limited vegetarian options and dismal coupons ($1/10!). but it doesn’t really matter if the food comes in a little red box or not. as i recall, the point was to limit calorie intake by paying attention. they called them points instead of calories, but the conversion was really just an extra step.

i hate doing this. weighing and measuring food. keeping a journal. being hungry. i think where i failed before was by trying to find a scheme that would work around this basic principal.  no dairy. no sugar. no wheat. all of which i might add are ridiculously impossible to hold up for more than a few days. regardless of my past failure ratio, i kept trying to avoid the inevitable torture that would be weight loss by calorie counting.

saturday morning i woke up at 164 lbs, my heaviest ever. and as i scoped out the smart ones in the freezer case, i realized that it was time. as much as it is my dream to eat organic and unprocessed foods, i have a bigger dream to not be a fatty tatties. i enjoy eating processed crap, and if it can help me lose weight like it did before, maybe it was time to give it another go round. hot pockets were on sale for $1.99 each, and i had a bunch of $.75/2 catalinas. at 240 each, and totally delicious, i decided that they would be the perfect cornerstone of my rekindled relationship with calorie counting. sadly, there’s only one flavor that’s vegetarian (broccoli cheddar), but my mind was made up.

and that concludes the story of why i have 7 identical boxes of hot pockets in my freezer (never you mind the ice cream in the foreground). will they make me skinny? possibly not. but i signed up for a 5k in 2 months, and i better by trying something. anything.

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24 responses

23 03 2010
Kate

yes, but now you have to EAT all those lean pockets. 🙂

is that guy on twitter @goofofartiste from our portland? he’s pretty funny!

23 03 2010
bessmarvin

yeah. the lean pockets are salty tasty, but we’ll see how long that lasts. especially if i have to be starving all the time. in case you didn’t see the answer from the kind lady above, goofffartiste is an old friend and portland to portland transplant. (good portland to evil portland). he really needs to make that shit into a book. it’s priceless.

23 03 2010
m

I can answer the question about goofoffartiste – yes and no. From Portland, Maine but living in Portland, Oregon. Tricky.

23 03 2010
bessmarvin

you’re local! and we know the same people! (do we know each other?). it’s a bummer that goofoffartiste moved to the evil (secondary) portland, but i hear tell he’s coming back for a visit this summer.

23 03 2010
m

I, too, am a traitor to the OG Portland. I’ve been living in fake Portland for almost 8 years. I came across your blog through Portland Maine Daily Photo recently and didn’t recognize your name even though everyone knows everyone in OG Portland. So I mentioned to Jeremy that I can’t explain why I don’t know someone so awesome from my former city and he, of course, knew you!

So now I lurk your blog daily.

23 03 2010
bessmarvin

traitor! traaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiittttttttttooooooooorrrrrr! no really, i hear that inferior portland is really nice. i think my old boyfriend moved out there (randomly also named jeremy) with his 18 year old ballerina girlfriend after we broke up (that’s not you is it? how embarrassing!). if you ever see a big goofy red head kid from bath, tell him i said hello. maine is funny like that, one big small town. do all the ex OG portland kids hang out together? anyway, enough of my crazy bullshit. thank you for lurking!!

24 03 2010
m

Ha, no, not a ballerina. Yes, fake Portland is really awesome unfortunately but my homesickness for Maine brought me to the Maine blogs. And yeah, I’ve met a lot of other Mainers out here – I even lured some out.

24 03 2010
bessmarvin

good! (not that shelly wasn’t a perfectly nice person, but still). there’s actually a number of really amazing portland blogs. i likes the foods, so i’m a big fan of the blueberry files & portland food coma. any other recommendations? do you ever come home to visit?

23 03 2010
chris

hey, my fat ass is right up to that same weight as yours. although i have the great excuse that i quit smoking in october. i did the walk of shame back to weight watchers 3 weeks ago (the lady remembered me from 4 yrs ago when i got to an amazing 125 for a minute). i am fucking starving ALL THE TIME. this is the most i have every weighed in my whole life and it sucks. i hate all skinny people, and i have 35 containers of edy’s ice cream in my freezer from that shaw’s cat crying out to me night and day. just kill me now

23 03 2010
bessmarvin

it’s been over a year since i got divorced, how long do you think i can use it as an excuse for being a chub chub? quitting smoking is so hard!!! nice work. i quit 4 years ago, and i still kind of want to light up every time i watch mad men. 125!!!! i don’t think i’ve weighed that since high school or possibly grade school. you’re so good to do the walk of shame! i should probably just get my ass to a meeting or 20. i can not even tell you how hungry i am. like i need to lie down because my blood sugar is plummeting, but i ate all my lunch food and we don’t have a vending machine at work hungry. i also hate all skinny people. DEEPLY. i only got 3 containers of ice cream @ shaw’s though. needed more freezer real estate for hot pockets. maybe some sort of suicide pact in order if we both don’t start feeling pretty soon that the glow of weight loss is overriding the misery that is diet hunger. step away from the ice cream. i’m going to go lie down.

23 03 2010
The Coupon Goddess

164 lbs and you think you are fat??? Maybe if you are 4 ft tall. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Take it slow. Even if you lost only 2 lbs a month, that would be 12 lbs by the fall. And make sure you have one “blow it” day per week so that you don’t feel deprived. 🙂

23 03 2010
bessmarvin

you’re sweet! i know i’m not really “fat” in the traditional sense. it’s just that gaining 30 lbs. in a short period of time makes you feel like you’re wearing a fat suit. i’m busting out of all of my clothes like the incredible hulk. it’s the first time that the BMI chart classified me as officially “overweight”. it’s disheartening. you’re right though, slow and stead wins the race. if i could have last 2 lbs. a month over the last year that i’ve been screwing around, i’d be pretty much done already!

23 03 2010
xine

Hey now, don’t go hatin’ on us “skinny bitches”! Some of us are the former “fat friend” and worked hard to get where we are now.
I consider you to be lots of things as my friend, but my “fat friend” is not what I’d ever think of you as.

23 03 2010
bessmarvin

ok, maybe hate is the wrong word. maybe resent. with a deep seething jealousy that burns hotter than the sun. thank you for never thinking of me as the fat friend! you also were never the fat friend. even when you were heavier, you were still a tiny little person that i could have crushed in the palm of my giant fat hand. love love (with a side of burning skinny jealousy)

24 03 2010
Kate

Fake Portland! lol, love it. I have a good friend out there and I’ve been to visit 2x. It’s too hip for me. I was wearing a cool (East Coast) outfit, and really felt like a nerdy square. I’m glad to be in the OG Portland, so we can all hate on the fake Portland together.

24 03 2010
m

I will check those out. Maine blogs fill a hole in my heart.

I visit Maine every year and a half – Christmas or summer. I will also be visiting in the late summer, making an attempt to have myself a mini-road trip around Maine. Specifically places I haven’t seen like Moosehead Lake area and downeast. But I’m really bad about following things through.

25 03 2010
bessmarvin

i spent my summer vacation in jonesport last year. it was magic. you should absolutely follow through on your downeast dreams.

1 04 2010
Carl

just checked out the other blog–bring back bess!

trying to remember if I’ve got the Brass-Bound Trunk in the queue… I know I picked up the Black Keys… currently deep into The Sign of The Twisted Candles

all the Bess-food stuff is NOT lost on me

3 04 2010
bessmarvin

i’ve been meaning to! i have about 6 or 7 carefully flagged books in queue waiting to get written up. sadly, i tend to get sucked into working on this blog and don’t always have time. you can convince me to make time tomorrow on our walk.

19 04 2010
stripping. « broke 207

[…] the pointless deals and baking days and hours spent on intricate schemes resulting in a freezer full of hotpockets (still fat FYI). remember the debt, the nest egg, and the new roof. it’s time to get back […]

14 09 2010
Eazy

I Am twenty Yrs Old And i Once Weighed 280 last november actully and the hot pocket diet workd for me im down to like 180 or sumthing like that and it hasnt even been a year i just did 30 min of exercise tried daily but probably usllay round 3 tymes a wk hopockets,peanutbutter crackers,mixed nuts,cherrios,string cheese sticks (80 cals),and chicken patties,basicl;y i eat alot of processed packaged foods which is probably a bad thing but i dont know it worked and is worrking for me so thats the bussiness

20 09 2010
bessmarvin

nice freakin job! you know, i think that everyone needs to do their diet their own way. if processed/prepackaged helps you get down to a healthy weight… it’s better than being overweight! i tend to fall somewhere in the middle. i do rely on certain convenience foods, but i also eat a lot of fruits, veggies, & whole grains. although i haven’t lost dick since i wrote that post, so maybe i should be following your diet! keep up the amazing work. 🙂

25 03 2011
Aly

Now that it’s a year later.. how’d this Lean Pocket diet work out for you?

26 03 2011
bessmarvin

not so great. i’ve lost all of 7 lbs in the last year. i’m actually starting to wonder if this is just the size that i am now. maybe i should just get used to it?

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