remember that time when i told you about how lousy i am at transitions? well, behold! what you are looking at here in this picture is 9 pairs of shoes. 9 pairs of brand new shoes bought over the course of the last 24 hours. 5 were purchased online because they’re my favorite shoe ever, and they were on sale for $22 each at 6pm. 1 was purchased for the upcoming burlesque nutcracker (i might also need to purchase a related naughty santa costume). 1 was a practical office shoe choice. and, 2 were just sky high wedges that will look very pretty collecting dust in my closet but i felt very very compelled to buy- so i did.
9 pairs of shoes, all but 3 of which i don’t actually “need” (and we’re defining “need” here as “would be nice to have but definitely don’t actually need”). 9 pairs of shoes, all of which were purchased because the tectonic plates of my life are shifting yet again, and sparkly new feet somehow seem like the most productive way to deal with that discomfort.
in fact, i woke up this morning and looked at the shoe pile and instead of my heart being aflutter with shiny newness, i felt guilty. and then i paid my bills, and i felt more guilty. and then i looked at the “i absolutely need to own these in order to survive the date that i’m nervous about” pair, and i started to second guess my decision.
“will i look silly?”
“will i be too tall?”
“will i be overdressed?”
(probably yes to all of the above)
and then i started to have the “day after poor decision making sweats”. i get to this weird place where i’m not going to bring the shoes back (never!), but i’m going to make myself feel really really bad about it for a while. in fact, i will publicly shame myself on the internet for doing it. (isn’t that what blogs are for?)
so here are my questions:
1. do people just need coping mechanisms? should i just be glad that mine isn’t crack or anonymous porn theatre sex? (for the record, i bought the shoes with cash and can still pay my rent this month).
2. if i can feel myself in the throes of poor decision making, why can’t i stop myself? i knew as i loaded up that last pair of black patent wedges that it was probably time to stop, but i brazenly did it anyway. do i need to read some sort of book entitled “you fail because you’re selfish, weak willed, and a stupidly continue to believe that new shoes will make your life better”?
3. if i stop feeling bad about it, will new shoes actually make my life a little better?
but seriously, i’m 35 now and i’m still waiting for my skin to clear up (anyone who tells you that it will by 30 is a goddamn dirty liar), and i’m still waiting for some sort of magic grown-up insight or willpower to descend that will make it possible for me to politely say “no thank you, i’m full” when all i really want to do is buy a bouncy castle and fill it to the roof with 6″ glitter hooker heels.
my closet is just not big enough anymore for another breakup, new job, or first day of school.